Grief Management - An essential life skill that nobody teaches you!

There are a few topics that we dislike. We usually never prefer to discuss or talk about these topics openly. 

Shall I name a few of them? Here they are...

Divorces, Break-ups, Cheating by loved ones, Losing someone significant, Death of pets, Miscarriages, Health crisis, Losing desired jobs, Financial crisis, And many more...

If you are amidst the grief recovery journey then my heart goes out to you, really! 

We don't like to talk about these topics due to feelings of grief and mental agony. Moments, incidents, and events that trigger good memories, pleasant feelings, and happy emotions are the only things that we prefer to embrace. 

We are taught to face happiness and joy, but we aren't usually prepared to face sudden endings and unfavorable circumstances. This is the main reason why we find the grief management phase unmanageable.  

What is grief?

Grief is an intense sorrow that happens after a sudden or unanticipated significant personal loss. When you lose your favorite pen, you know that someday you will find it somewhere. In this case, there is "temporary sadness" of misplacing a thing. Here you are hopeful that you may find your favorite pen someday. 

Grief is something that is a "permanent loss" of something or someone with zero hope to have that thing or a person back in life. In this case, there are feelings of despair, helplessness, and hopelessness. Is the nature of grief similar to bereavement and mourning?

No. These are the supplementary stages we experience along with grief when there is a significant personal loss. 

1. Bereavement - The sense of loss. When you lose something or somebody.

2. Grief - The series of psychological, and biological states that a person goes through to come to terms with a bereavement state.

3. Mourning - The sense of recovery from grief and getting back into the original state.What is the difference between sadness, depression, and grief?

1. Sadness - Do you remember the example of losing your favorite pen? ~ It is a temporary state.~ It is your mood. In this case, you can focus on pleasures.~ You can have a positive self-image.~ It could be for a shorter period to a medium period.~ You generally don't need any help from medical professionals. But if you wish, you can take the help of counselors, life coaches, and therapists to understand your emotions better.

2. Depression -~ It is a mental health disorder.~ It can remain for a medium to a longer period.~ You need to seek the help of medical professionals like a neurologist, psychiatrist, or psychologist to be aware of your emotions and feelings.~ You may need to opt for prescribed medicines if required.~ In this case, you can't focus on pleasing thoughts and things. You are unable to have a positive self-image as well. 

3. Grief -~ It is a state of mind.~ It may last from short to medium to long periods.~ In this case, you can focus on pleasures with some effort. You can have a positive self-image.~ If the state of grief continues for a longer period, it becomes "acute grief" and thereafter turns into a "complicated grief" state wherein a person is functionally impaired to do daily tasks. If the state of complicated grief lasts long, then there is a high chance of that state getting converted into a state of depression.~ You need to seek the help of medical professionals like a neurologist or psychiatrist, or psychologist to learn the management of emotions and feelings.~ You can also take the help of counselors, life coaches, and therapists as an additional aid.~ You may need to opt for prescribed medicines if required. What happens when you grieve?

5 Stages of grief described by Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler in the year 1969 - (Popularly known as DABDA)

Denial (Avoidance/ Confusion/ Elation/ Shock/ Fear) ➛ Anger (Frustration/ Irritation/ Anxiety) ➛ Bargaining ( Struggling to find meaning/ Reaching out to others/ Telling one's story) ➛ Depression (Overwhelmed/ Helplessness/ Hostility/ Flight) ➛ Acceptance (Exploring options/ New plan in place/ Moving on).The sequential order of the DABDA stages has been debatable. Moreover, It could also happen that a grieving person may go through few stages than all stages specified in DABDA.

Can we make the above-mentioned concepts simpler to understand? 

Sure, we can!Grief is the cognitive riddle wherein the person experiences shock, loneliness, surprise, anger, guilt, fear, and longing. In short, sudden curveballs are thrown to deal with the mixed baggage of emotions and feelings. We share a sense of attachment with those from whom we feel a sense of protection, affection, care, concern, and love. There is a core drive to be close to that person as the brain discourages separation from meaningful bonds. In the case of a physical loss of somebody, that person still exists in the brain due to the memories attached to the person we lost. The experience of grief is way too overwhelming due to the sudden shift in thoughts, emotions, feelings, and memories. The brain resists the acceptance of reality by thinking the person we lost was just here! 

What is the adverse impact of grief?

Grief hampers eating habits, behavior, memory, concentration, energy levels, motivation, productivity, focus, sleeping patterns, lifestyle, and quality of life. Everything seems upside down due to a disturbed state of mind during the phase of grief. Let us debunk the myths of grief -

1. Ignore your feelings and suppress your emotions -Suppressing the pain will only worsen the situation. Confronting the pain, sadness, and loneliness will help you to heal at your own pace.

2. Forget and let go -Forgetting any significant experience is not easy. Significant experiences leave a permanent memory mark in the storage room of the brain. Hence, it is merely impossible to forget them. Forgiving the emotions that you felt during the feelings of grief is an essential takeaway here.

3. Be a strong person -You cry, but that doesn't mean you are weak. Showing your true feelings is what takes you toward the state of acceptance faster.

4. You don't cry means you don't feel anything -How we showcase our emotions varies from person to person. Crying is a normal and obvious response to sadness, but it isn't the only way of letting emotions flow out. One may cry and get cranky a lot; the other may go numb and remain silent to express sadness and loss. 

5. Stay positive -Toxic positivity only instills negative and impractical expectations. During grief, we are supposed to go through and experience extreme emotional pain. It is impractical to expect someone to feel positive all the time during the grief recovery period.

6. Grieving period is the same for all -

Any post-traumatic healing process takes time. Healing happens gradually, but the healing period isn't the same and pre-decided for all.

7. If someone isn't showing concern, that means that person isn't sorry about the loss - Many people feel awkward and clueless when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Grief can be confusing, and complicated for many people, especially if they haven't experienced a similar loss by themselves. They may feel unsure about how to comfort, what to say, and what to do. They may end up doing things that they aren't supposed to do or saying things that they aren't supposed to say. Understanding the hesitation of another person is a crucial step here.

What can be done to cope with the grief? 

1. Taking community support may help a lot to heal the grief. Engaging yourself in different productive activities will ease the pain that you feel inside.

2. Give yourself time, space, and privacy. Keeping low expectations from yourself for a while will be a better option.

3. Share your pain with your loved ones who can understand what you are going through. 

4. Keep a journal. These days, many prefer to maintain a "grief journal" to let the hurt flow out of the mind.

5. Therapies can help you cope with grief. Pet therapy, retail Therapy, aromatherapy, and music therapy are a few of those therapies that you may find a great escape in.

6. Be your best chap during this time. Your mind will be filled up with unstoppable questions, disbelief, guilt, and fear. Understand that you are thrown into something unfamiliar that will take time to settle down.

7. Switch to a healthy diet. Regulate water intake. Ensure enough sleep and rest. Exercise daily. Go for a nature walk or hiking. 

8. Step out of your shell to broaden the horizon of perception about grief. Mingle with trustworthy folks who understand the space you need to heal the pain.

9. Try to read or watch inspiring stories. Your inner drive and motivation lacks during the grieving phase. Hence, stay motivated with inspiring stories.

10. Meditation is solitude time to reflect on your inner state mindfully. This could be an uncomfortable practice initially, as the more you will turn inwards, themore, you will discover a big black hole of hollowness with no lights. But regular meditation practice may help to reduce tension and stress levels. Pranayama (breathing exercises) would be the best yoga practice to go for.

11. Do not try to control your emotions, instead, learn to regulate them. Sometimes you will feel a sense of zeal and other times you will feel a lack of enthusiasm. Mood swings are normal symptoms of the grief recovery process. 

12. Watch out for toxic lifestyle habits. Too much smoking, drinking, or temporary addictions will only deteriorate the mental and physical state further.

13. Communicate with the partner what you are feeling and how you have been trying to cope with the loss. Clear communication will help your partner to understand your recovery progress. During grief recovery, the intimate life will be disturbed. Therefore, open communication between you and your partner will be helpful to understand the grieving person's mental, emotional, and physical state better. 

14. Take one step at a time. Due to hampered productivity, you may not be able to do all your personal and professional duties enthusiastically. Welcomeirregularities, mistakes, imperfections, and flaws during this time. 

15. Compensate the loss by volunteering for a cause that resonates with the loss you have been through. You never know, someone else's life will bedestined to shift just because of your presence.

16. Get clear on whom you wish to share your grief journey by being vulnerable. Moreover, a social media detox could also help largely. Zone out from the routine to contemplate your emotions and feelings.

17. Mental health needs more attention during a recovery period. So, spare time to check in with yourself.

18. Beware of pieces of advice given by others. Keep the suggestions that would help, and discard the rest.

19. Restore your faith in yourself and the higher power. This will keep you moving despite the bad phases of life.

20. If you are suffering from anxiety, panic attacks, hallucinations, depression, trauma, or any other mental health emergency, then do not hesitate to tapfor professional help from the respective medical professionals. Over and above anything else, your mental health is precious, and it matters the most! 

21. Keep aside perfectionism for a while. Give yourself time to complete simple tasks and chores instead of feeling guilty for not meeting the deadlines on time.

22. Give a pep talk to rewire motivating inner dialogues with yourself. 

23. Pat your back. You have come so far. Therefore, you deserve the praise! Awareness and acknowledgment of your emotional and mental state is the primary step to healing the deep wounds of the mind, heart, and soul with time. 

Grief is such a complicated topic to explain, write, talk about, and understand. But I got it all covered for you!